Inspired by Jack's (Firestarter) song Blue Lights. I'm not much of a song/lyrics writer, but I thought I'd try it out for size. This is the first set of lyrics I've written. It really doesn't have a chorus, but I tried. Please feel free to tell my whatever you think. I'm not sure on the title either.
cheers CL.
Hey Baby
Blurring visions
Cascading within the shadow lights
Of something more real
Than war
Something more real
Than peace
If I touched you
Would you look back?
Turn your head and sigh
Hey baby
Hey baby
-- Maybe
But only
-- Maybe
You’re on fire
Placid lake fears
Burned away in blue flame
And it’s something
Nothing I can name
Yours
-- Maybe
But only
-- Maybe
I’ve never got the courage
Up to touch you
To keep you
Afraid to hurt you
But all I wanted to hear
Was
Hey baby
Hey baby
-- Maybe
But you only wanted
Maybe
Hey baby
Hey baby
Turned your head and sighed
-- Maybe
And I’m lost in your blue flame
It’s nothing I can name
Just
Hey baby
Hey baby
-- What about maybe?
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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Ehh I don't exactly get what's going on here. Maybe it's just me though...
The Hey Baby has got to go though; it's already a No Doubt song. >.<
I'm not much of a fan of pop songs but yours was good. The hey baby seemed like a cliche though but still it was good.
I think that you're using poetic terms without really giving the reader an idea what you mean. Example:
What do you mean? And maybe what? I think it looks like you've just stuck in some, lines you thought up and added a chorus. You need to explain why you feel this way, if you get me, and put more emotion in it, otherwise it won't mean as much as you want it to.
I agree. It does seem as though it's missing something. I liked it though. Good job. Keep up the good work!
I thought maybe you over-used the word baby. A lot of pop songs do that. But in this case I can forgive you because it rhymes with maybe. I couldn't really tell you what, but it seemed like it was missing something.